Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A".
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had such a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day.
The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.
The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth (5 Points). It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.
It said: (95 Points)- Which tire?
-- Larry Ohlinger
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
-- Larry Ohlinger
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say "Oops" in the operating room. -Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton
Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. -Ruth Gordon
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.
-- Larry Ohlinger
On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Hand-printed sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
(translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest
Sign in King's Canyon in California.
'Slow Parking Ahead'
MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, traveling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:
restrooms
/
-----
\
Please wait for hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store:
"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
-- Larry Ohlinger
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?
Tech: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer
Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped - it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has "4X" on it.
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in
the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in.
When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
-- Larry Ohlinger
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
-- Larry Ohlinger
Selected questions and answers from courtrooms
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q. Were you alone, or by yourself?
Q. How long have you been a French Canadian?
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.
Q. Do you have any children, or anything of that kind?
Q. I show you exhibit #3 and ask if you recognize that picture.
A. That's me.
Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?
-- Larry Ohlinger
Three men were being tested at a mental institution. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
-- Larry Ohlinger
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they can't hear each other.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Time wounds all heels.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
-- Larry Ohlinger
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
-- Larry Ohlinger
Send us your jokes and anecdotes, and you will see them here ASAP! And please keep in mind that we air in the 7:00 to 8:00 time slot. They need to be clean to make it on the issue, but we'll read 'em all anyway!
E-mail them to:sdwletters@softdisk.com
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